


tribulations

by chtkwn (mooshu)



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 21:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3825562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooshu/pseuds/chtkwn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taekwoon doesn't understand why or how he is involved in this. He didn't ask for it. He was a simple man with a simple life, a mall train conductor. How did he get so caught up in the life of a man with a dying daughter?</p>
            </blockquote>





	tribulations

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: death, illness (cancer), self harm/self hate

Taekwoon is scraping gum from underneath the seats of a mall train.

It's nothing new to him. It's a kids thing, he thinks, because even when he was in elementary school he would stick his own gum underneath the cafeteria table. Mostly because all of his classmates did it, and back then he went to great lengths to try to be "like them".

To him, teenagers are worse. Especially boys. So incredibly loud and obnoxious. He always dreads it when he sees a group of them approaching him and the train station. They do the gum thing too, as well as spit, leave candy wrappers and other trash behind, and quite occasionally Taekwoon has had to scrub off es drawn with Sharpies. 

So scraping gum is no big deal. He finally manages to dislodge a particulary stuck piece, tossing it into the paper bag  full of other pieces of hardened, chewed gum. He exhales, finally done and ready to head home. He wiggles himself out of the tiny train car, stretching his aching legs. The usually loud, bustling mall is nearly silent now. Closing time is only twenty minutes away. The train closes an hour earlier than the mall, but Taekwoon stays over most of the time, cleaning it up for the next day. When Taekwoon signed up for this job, he didn't know that along with being the train conductor, he'd have to be the maintenance man as well. He doesn't understand why a janitor doesn't do it, but never questions it out loud.

He's locking up the train gate when a voice behinds him goes, "Excuse me? Conductor?"

He turns around to see a man, probably around his age, and a little girl, an ice cream cone she holds in her hand. She's hairless, Taekwoon notices, but decides not to focus on that. Instead, he meets eyes with the man, cocking an eyebrow up. 

"Are you closed?" the man asks. He gives Taekwoon a huge smile, gesturing towards the little girl. "My daughter wants a ride." She nods in agreement, eyes wide.

If he's being honest, Taekwoon thinks the question is kind of ridiculous. Surely the man sees him locking the gate? Or the "closed" sign hanging from it? But there's something in his eyes that makes Taekwoon nod, taking his keys from his pocket to reopen it.

"Wow!" the man exclaims. "Thanks, Mr. Conductor! Seoyoo, isn't this nice? Tell Mr. Conductor thank you."

"Thank you!" Seoyoo looks up at Taekwoon, giving him a smile that's identical to her father's, and Taekwoon returns it. He does has a soft spot for children, no matter how many times they stick gum underneath the train seats.

He gives them two rides around the mall, just because. He also presses the button for the "choo-choo" noise more times than he usually does, because it makes Seoyoo laugh loudly and he likes the sound of it. 

When it's over, her father tries to hand Taekwoon a bill, but he waves it away, feeling generous. Which is not something he usually feels.

"Please take it," he says, over and over, hesitantly leaving after a good five minutes of Taekwoon shaking his head and Seoyoo saying, "Daddy I'm _really_ sleepy." 

Shes waves goodbye to Taekwoon from her father's hip as they walk off.

 

Mondays are always excruciatingly slow for Taekwoon. He sits in the lawn chair next to the train, eating his second mini bag of Cheetos and sipping on his third or fourth cup of coffee. He has been here for two hours, and has only had one ride with a crying two year old. He doesn't like it when the kids cry, it pierces through his head much too badly. He doesn't understand anyway, why a parent forces their kid to ride when they find it terrifying. 

He's thinking about heading to the arcade for a spell, when a familar voice says, "Hello, Mr. Conductor!"

He twists his head around to see the man from last week, this time with no Seoyoo. He's waving wildly at Taekwoon, that same smile plastered on his face. Taekwoon tenses up. What does he want from him?

"Hello," he says again when he's a bit closer. He leans on the gate. "How are you?"

Taekwoon blinks, then gets up from his lawn chair. He goes to open the gate. "Three thousand won," he says. 

The man looks confused for a moment, then laughs. "Oh no, I don't want a ride."

Taekwoon doesn't understand. He shuts the gate again, slightly irritated he had just gotten up for nothing. He stares at the man, who now clears his throat.

"I just wanted to say thank you," he says. "For the free ride. After hours. I knew you were closed, but Seoyoo just wouldn't let up on riding the train." He laughs again. It sounds like Seoyoo's, Taekwoon thinks.

It's quiet for a few moments, the man leaning against the gate, watching the few people that went to the mall on a Monday morning go about. Taekwoon sits in his lawn chair, studying the tiles on the floor and not knowing what to say, as usual.

"I'm Hakyeon, by the way," the man- Hakyeon, says. Taekwoons remains silent, knowing he should say his own name. But he doesn't.

It's fine though because Hakyeon says, "I'm guessing your name is Taekwoon?"

Taekwoon can't help but widen his eyes, giving the other a short glance. How does he know his name? Is he a stalker or something? Maybe an old classmate? He doesn't remember or know anyone by the name of Hakyeon.

Hakyeon, who must can read his mind, points. "Your name tag. 'Conductor Taekwoon'". 

...Oh yeah. He had honestly forgotten about the name tag on his conductor outfit. He can feel his face reddening from embarrassment.  "Oh," he mumbles.

Hakyeon chuckles. "You don't speak a lot, do you?"

Taekwoon is saved from answering by a pair of mothers with their toddlers. He can see Hakyeon waving goodbye in his little side mirror as he drives off.

The ride is a disaster, one toddler screams at the choo-choo noise and the other spits up milk when Taekwoon accidentally hits the brakes way too roughly. He has a headache by the end of it, and the mothers decide that he can clean the spit up and leaves it to him.

He stays slumped down inside the train car for a very long time.

 

Hakyeon comes back again on Thursday. He's standing there when Taekwoon pulls into the train station, coming in from a ride. "Hello, Conductor Taekwoonie!"

_...Taekwoonie?_

"How are you today?" he asks, giving Taekwoon a smile. "Anything exciting?"

Like being a mall train conductor is exciting, Taekwoon thinks. The most exciting thing that's ever happened is probably the time he nearly hit a blind old woman that got a bit too close to the train. That was exciting, but not in a good way. He shakes the memory from his mind, and wordlessly switches the "open" sign to "lunch", locking up the gate. 

"Oooo, wanna eat lunch together?" Hakyeon asks as he watches. "I can buy. I still haven't paid you for the free ride."

Taekwoon glances at the other, then quickly looks away. He can't remember the last time he ate a meal with someone. He doesn't do too well eating around others. But Hakyeon has offered to pay, and Taekwoon could save the money he would've used for lunch to spend on dinner that night instead... "Chinese," he says quietly, looking down. The tiles look extra interesting today.

"Oh, you talked!" Hakyeon is pleasantly surprised. "Chinese it is then. Let's go!"

The food court is too loud for Taekwoon despite it not being crowded at all, and the smell of the different foods makes his head throb. He's so glad it's not included in his train route. "Get takeout plates," he tells Hakyeon. There is no way he can eat in there. Hakyeon doesn't question it.

So they take their food outside. It's a beautiful spring day, and the fresh air feels absolutely wonderful to Taekwoon. They sit on the concrete outside the food court entrace. Taekwoon is quiet, stuffing his face with the food, enjoying it a lot more than usual since someone else paid for it. Hakyeon talks, which seems to be his specialty.

"We're new here," he says. "Seoyoo and I. We just moved from my parents' place. I wanted us to be alone together, you know?"

Taekwoon nods agreeingly, having lived with his own parents for a couple of years. He loved them, but not living with them. The were always watching over him and trying to control everything he did, and it was suffocating. It costs a lot more money to have his own apartment, but at least now he has room. Privacy. Space. 

"You probably noticed..." Hakyeon trails off for a moment, chewing his food thoughtfully. "But she's... sick. She just started chemo treatments again. And she has no friends yet at her new kindergarten. So she's been feeling down." He sighs.

It's a lot for Taekwoon to take in. He pokes at a piece of broccoli with his fork. "I'm sorry," he says, because he doesn't know what else to say. He wonders why Hakyeon is telling him this.

"It's okay. I'm positive!" Hakyeon answers, a bit too cheerfully for Taekwoon. "The doctors have gave us nothing but good news so far. The treatments seem to be working."

Taekwoon doesn't like the direction the conversation has went, so he closes his plate and gets up from the ground, tossing it into the trash can. "Thanks, " he mumbles, looking down at Hakyeon, who gives him a smile. Another specialty.

"No problem," he says. And Taekwoon nods once, heading back inside to his train and leaving Hakyeon on the concrete alone.

 

Taekwoon was 23 and still living with his parents when he got the conductor job. His parents tried to act like they were happy for him, but he could see underneath their facade. He knew they were hoping he'd pull himself together enough to get a "real job", but it didn't turn out that way. That was three years ago.

He hated his job at first. Was embarrassed to wear the conductor hat and outfit. The train drew too much attention with its noise, songs, and lights. An old classmate he used to play soccer with once saw and gave him the weirdest look ever. "This is what you do now?" he had asked, and Taekwoon hid in the restrooms for two hours from humiliation. 

Nowadays, he doesn't really care. It's a job, it gives money, and that's what matters to him.

 

He doesn't see Hakyeon for another week or so. This time he brings Seoyoo, who gives Taekwoon a daisy she found in her backyard. He smiles and sticks it in his conductor hat. Seoyoo ends up riding eight times, laughing at each choo-choo the train made, just like the last time. Taekwoon doesn't mind, though.

"So it's ₩3000 per person per ride..." Hakyeon mumbles as he messes around in his wallet after the rides are over. Seoyoo is hugging onto Taekwoon's leg, looking up towards him with wide eyes. Taekwoon wonders what she finds so fascinating; he's an uninteresting person.

"...₩48000," Hakyeon chuckles. "Seoyoo, we can't ride like this again." The little girl pouts cutely.

He sticks a bill out towards Taekwoon. "Just keep the change."

Taekwoon waves it away, and the other looks at him in disbelief. "Do you refuse money from all your other customers?" he asks, which causes Taekwoon to blush, though he's not sure why.

"You bought me food," he says quietly. "Keep it."

"But that was for the other time you refused pay," Hakyeon laughs. "You're so funny, Taekwoonie."

Taekwoon doesn't know what to say to that. He certainly doesn't think he's funny. 

"We can talk about this later, because I have errands to do," Hakyeon says. "Can I give you my number?"

Taekwoon blinks. Give him his number? He cannot think of the last time he added a contact into his phone. In fact, the only numbers he did have were his parents', sisters', and supervisor's. "...Sure?"

Hakyeon looks satisfied, and jots it down on a candy wrapper he finds in his jeans' pocket. 

 

He and Hakyeon now text. Every second of the day. Taekwoon finds it fun, and it gives him something to do. He loves how Hakyeon overuses emojis and says things like _ttyl_. And texting allows him to communicate much better. When Hakyeon visits at the mall, he leans against the gate of the train station like usual, talking away while Taekwoon texts most of his replies. Hakyeon tells him he never would have guessed he has so much to say.

Taekwoon lets Hakyeon, along with the help of Seoyoo's aegyo, convince him to go to their house for dinner one night in order to pay for the eight train rides. _Don't wear white, I'm making spaghetti!_ Hakyeon texts him an hour before he's supposed to arrive. Taekwoon doesn't even own anything white, preferring dark colors, but he still texts back, _Okay._

 _C U L8R_ is Hakyeon's reply and Taekwoon scoffs.

 

Hakyeon's house is tiny. One bedroom and bath, and no laundry room. Hakyeon tells him once a week he loads up their clothes and heads to his parents' to wash them. Taekwoon wants to tell him that he wouldn't mind if he did his laundry at his apartment, but he doesn't.

Unfortunately, the spaghetti isn't very good. Taekwoon must had not did a very good job at hiding this, because during dinner Hakyeon shoots him an apologetic look and says, "I'm still learning how to cook, sorry."

Taekwoon shakes his head, his face turning red. He feels bad now. "No, it's good," he lies. Hakyeon looks slightly surprised to hear his voice, then smiles.

He ends up staying after dinner playing with Seoyoo and her dolls and doll house as Hakyeon washes dishes. He's the puppy doll, something he's grateful for because it doesn't involve speaking, only barks, which he does poorly. Luckily, Seoyoo doesn't seem to notice or mind.  She seems pretty quiet, and hadn't joined him and Hakyeon for dinner, but he isn't one to ask questions. 

In the middle of doll house, she stops to grab a book from her and Hakyeon's shared bookshelf. "Can you read me a bedtime story?" she asks Taekwoon, holding the book out towards him.

Taekwoon tenses up. He can't read out loud. He'll start to stutter. He thinks back to elementary school, how everytime he was called to read something from the text book and couldn't, the teacher would berate him in front of the whole class. He shakes his head slowly.

Seoyoo looks sad. "Oh," she says, setting the book down. 

Oh no. Taekwoon feels bad again. He can feel his heart breaking at Seoyoo's obvious disappointment, and he nearly changes his mind. But he doesn't. He gets up from his spot on the floor instead, giving the little girl an apologetic pat on her head before leaving the room. 

Hakyeon is just finishing the dishes, drying his hands with a towel. He gives Taekwoon a smile, like usual, when he sees him. "Hi! Everything okay?"

Taekwoon nods, hesitant. "I'm going home," he says.

Hakyeon looks disappointed. "No, don't go yet! We can hang around together after I get Seoyoo to sleep," he says, but Taekwoon's already putting his jacket on, shaking his head. The idea of it is appealing, but he really has to go.

"Okay... goodbye then," Hakyeon says. He sounds sad to Taekwoon, so he avoids looking at his face. Why is he so good at disappointing people? "Have a safe ride home."

Taekwoon waves, then quietly slips out the door.

 

Taekwoon and Hakyeon texts everyday, but doesn't see each other for another two weeks. Hakyeon says he's busy, while Taekwoon is everything but busy. He gets unbearably lonely and bored on slow days at the train station without Hakyeon there to talk his ear off. He wonders if Seoyoo told her father about him refusing to read her bedtime story. Maybe he is angry at him, though he doesn't sound like it in his texts and he never once mentions the incident.

Taekwoon is gum scraping underneath the train car seats when Hakyeon finally comes back one day. He waits until Taekwoon is done to talk. "Hey, Mr. Conductor."

Taekwoon's locking the gate. "Hello," he says.

"We're going to Disneyland," Hakyeon says. They're walking towards the food court to get an ice cream cone before it closes. "From the Make A Wish Foundation. She wanted to go to Arendelle, but we had to compromise," he laughs. 

Make A Wish Foundation doesn't sound too good to Taekwoon. To his knowledge, that's when the kids are so bad off they give them a present to make their final days better. He wonders how Hakyeon can just talk and laugh about it so freely.

"You can go too." Hakyeon says this as they sit outside the entrance, the same place where they ate Chinese, now on ice cream cones. Taekwoon with vanilla, Hakyeon with peach. "It would be fun!" 

Disneyland. Taekwoon has never been interested in going like most people. He finds amusement parks... mentally exhausting. He's only gone to one once on a school field trip, and it's easily one of the worst times he's ever had. It's full of Taekwoon's top three dislikes; noise, people, and lights. He shakes his head.

"Aww, Taekwoonie," Hakyeon whines. "Come on. Seoyoo would love it. And so would I. We don't wanna go alone. And you can use some fun, right?"

Taekwoon's definition of fun is different from other people's. Disneyland is not fun for him. And the reason for going makes it even more... unfun. He shakes his head again.

Hakyeon scoffs and mumbles, "Fine. I'll get my parents to go then." Taekwoon doesn't like his tone of voice, it makes him wince.

It's quiet for a few moments. Taekwoon gets a brain freeze from the ice cream, and rubs his forehead, trying to make it stop. It's nearing closing time for the mall, and all the lights are going out. The parking lot is nearly empty now.

"Seoyoo," Hakyeon starts again, "actually wants her mother to go. But she lives hours away, and I haven't talked to her in months. Close to a year now, I think. She hasn't seen Seoyoo since her third birthday. She doesn't care. But I can't tell a five year old that. I lie to her and say she's been really busy." He shakes his head sadly.

Taekwoon feels weird at the mention of Seoyoo's mother. He's never really thought about it, her having a mother. Hakyeon being with a woman. But of course he has, how else could he have Seoyoo? Taekwoon feels very... silly, and sick. He dumps the rest of his ice cream cone into the trash can.

"Disneyland is in two weeks," Hakyeon says. "Just let me know if you change your mind."

Taekwoon nods eventhough he knows he won't.

 

Hakyeon texts him pictures of Disneyland the entire week they're there. Pictures of Seoyoo with Elsa, Anna, Cinderella, Mickey and Minnie Mouse. She's a lot smaller now, and in a wheelchair. Yet she still grins big, happy to be meeting her Disney favorites. It makes Taekwoon feel sad and happy at the same time.

Hakyeon also texts him selcas, him with Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes and in front of the castle. _You regret not coming, right?_ he texts and Taekwoon is annoyed to find that he does indeed regret it.

 

Taekwoon's train breaks down. He's in the middle of a ride, about to make a turn at the soft pretzel kiosk when it just jerks, sputters a bit, then stops. He tries cranking it back up a few times, but fails. His passengers are becoming slightly confused, so he gets out his train car and starts unlocking their doors, gesturing for them to exit. 

He texts his supervisor, hoping that on top of driving and cleaning the train he doesn't have to do the mechanical work on it as well. If so, he's screwed.

Luckily, he doesn't. 

His supervisor has someone coming to look at and repair it, but until they can Taekwoon is out of a job for two to three weeks. He should be happy for the break, but he has an electricity and water bill coming up. 

He sits in his broken down train, in the middle of the mall, for a long time.

 

Hakyeon and Seoyoo return from Disneyland. Hakyeon invites him over, and Taekwoon decides to accept because he does nothing but lay around his house, watching television and playing Candy Crush Soda Saga nowadays. 

Seoyoo talks excitedly as Hakyeon makes him hot tea. She seems to have forgotten the bedtime story incident. She shows Taekwoon all her souvenirs, and recounts meeting the Disney characters a thousand times. He loves her enthusiasm.

"And we got you a present!" she says, which surprises Taekwoon. "Daddy! Where's Taekwoon's present?"

Hakyeon laughs as he exits the kitchen, handing Taekwoon his tea.  "It's still in with my luggage. I'll go get it."

Seoyoo claps happily, prompting Taekwoon to do so as well. He obeys; his claps are much quieter and gentler than her's. 

The present turns out to be a hat with Mickey Mouse ears. It's not his style and it's too small, but he wears it for Seoyoo, who laughs when he puts it on. Hakyeon does too, taking a dozen pictures of him in it, saying he's going to post them online; Taekwoon hits him on the shoulder until Hakyeon promises not to. Taekwoon's not sure why he's protesting, though. He doesn't know anyone online.

 

The train is worse off than they thought, and ups the time needed to repair it to six weeks. Taekwoon is forced to call his parents, sputtering out that he needs to borrow some money for bills and food. They're worried, and ask what happened to his job, why doesn't he go home, and if he's been taking his medicine. He can't talk anymore, can't explain about the broke train. He stays quiet until they tell him they'll send money. He thanks them before hanging up, sighing heavily from relief.

Taekwoon eventually beats the entire Candy Crush Soda Saga. He doesn't know what to do with all this free time now, flipping through the endless television channels, not wanting to watch anything. He doesn't even know why he has cable. He'd probably save a lot of money without it. 

 

Hakyeon texts him, _Seoyoo's been admitted to the hospital_ , one day.

Taekwoon doesn't know what to say, as always. He types out different responses, only to erase them. He hasn't seen Hakyeon much lately, most of their time together before was spent at the mall.

 _I'm sorry_ , is all he can text back.

 _Thank you_ , Hakyeon replies. Then, _Come visit!_ with the hospital name and room number.

Taekwoon doesn't go. Not yet. He doesn't do well with hospitals and doctors. And the thought of seeing poor Seoyoo in a hospital bed breaks his heart. He really does adore her. He hopes somehow she pulls through. 

 

Taekwoon puts off the hospital visit for around a week. He has to do this at his own pace, and Hakyeon understands, texting him hourly updates. Nothing's improved, but nothing's declined either, so Taekwoon assumes it's a good thing. 

His phone vibrates at two in the morning one day. He's awake, can't sleep, watching some kind of infomercial on television. The text reads, _Please come now. I need you._ From Hakyeon.

Taekwoon's scared. This can't be good at all. His heart is racing and his fingers are too shaky to text back. He throws on the first t-shirt he finds, leaving the apartment so quickly he forgets to lock the door. He thinks of nothing but those three words, _I need you_ , on the way there.

It turns out Seoyoo's oxygen went down dangerously low, causing machines to go off and everyone panicked. She's sleeping peacefully now, tiny in her hospital bed. Taekwoon watches her solemnly. Hakyeon sits next to him, his head laid on Taekwoon's shoulder. He's silent for once, and Taekwoon finds it strange. Hakyeon has always been so bright and positive and smiley, talking about his daughter's cancer like it was nothing. But not now.

They walk around outside, clearing their heads with the cool air of the night. They end up on a bench somewhere in front the hospital. There's only one other person, a smoker.

"Seoyoo was born when I was 21," Hakyeon says suddenly, interrupting the silence. "At first, I didn't really like her. I was too young to be a parent. It annoyed me my life had turned out like that, and sometimes I would wish she'd never been born. Do you think God is punishing me now for that?" Hakyeon sounds a bit sniffly.

Taekwoon doesn't believe in God. He never has. But he just shakes his head, for Hakyeon's sake. "No," he says. "Stuff happens."

He regrets saying it as soon as it exits his mouth. When he says it out loud, it sounds incredibly rude and apathetic. He slaps a palm to his forehead, and starts to sputter. "No, no- I didn't mean- You know-"

"It's okay," Hakyeon says softly, placing a hand on Taekwoon's knee. "I get what you're saying." Taekwoon exhales, fanning himself with his hands. This is why he doesn't talk much. Saying before thinking.

 

Seoyoo is able to wake up soon enough. She talks Taekwoon's ears off, excited to see him. He colors a picture of Elmo with her, and buys her a cupcake from the cafeteria. They share it because it's impossible for her to eat over a few bites. They watch Dora the Explorer, practicing their Spanish and laughing at hard it is. Taekwoon tries to do as much as he can with her. He knows something's up by the way the doctors and Hakyeon talks in low whispers.

Seoyoo does too, because one day as they're all outside her room, conversing with solemn faces, she asks Taekwoon in a small voice, "Am I going to die?"

Taekwoon is speechless. He gapes at her for a moment, frozen and taken aback. Hakyeon comes in then, and the question is then directed towards him.

"Daddy, am I going to die?" she looks up sadly.

Hakyeon's reaction is similar to Taekwoon's at first. Then he shakes his head furiously, sitting on the edge of his daughter's bed. "No, of course not!" he says it a bit too loudly, and Taekwoon cringes. "You're gonna... live for a long time."

It's saddening to watch him lie in her face, but what else are you supposed to say to a five year old? Taekwoon steps out silently, going to the restrooms down the hall to clear his mind. 

 

The train gets fixed a week earlier than expected. Taekwoon is actually excited to go back to work; he has something to do now and he can stop calling his parents for money. It also takes his mind off of Seoyoo, whose condition has worsened, and Hakyeon, who has been nothing but depressed. 

Taekwoon is a bit rusty on his first day back, hitting the brakes too often and almost driving into the shoe store's window. He gets two complaints, and one absolutely refuses to pay him. He's not sure what to do in the situation, so he just stands there numbly and allows the man and his son to walk off. 

At the end of the day, he's greeted by Hakyeon. Taekwoon is extremely surprised to see him there, since he usually spent all of his time with Seoyoo at the hospital. It brings back memories of when Hakyeon would come all the time.

He doesn't have his usual grin tonight, Taekwoon notices. He's locking the gates when Hakyeon says, "She has a month."

Taekwoon doesn't even have to ask to understand what he means. He stares at Hakyeon for a moment, not knowing what to say. What do you say, when a parent has a dying child? I'm sorry does nothing, and it's okay is a lie. Taekwoon is lost.

"I'm gonna bring her home," Hakyeon fills the silence. "Let her get comfortable. I don't want her final days to be spent in a hospital room." He smiles a little, but it doesn't reach his eyes. Taekwoon finally nods, the only thing he can do.

Unexpectedly, Hakyeon wraps an arm around him into a hug, pulling him in close. "Thanks, Taekwoon," he says in a shaky voice. Taekwoon is still. He hasn't done anything to deserve a thanks. "You've been a great help."

How? Taekwoon wonders for a moment if Hakyeon's being sarcastic, but he doesn't think that's the case because Hakyeon gives him a genuine smile, wiping at his teary eyes. "Do you want an ice cream before they close up? My treat."

Taekwoon is still confused. But he nods anyway.

 

Whenever he's not at the mall, Taekwoon spends a lot of time at Hakyeon and Seoyoo's house. Seoyoo is really weak now, and doesn't really talk. She asks Taekwoon to color with her, but falls alseep in the middle of it. He just silently continues on, showing her the finished picture when she wakes back up. Soon a week has gone by. That's already twenty five percent of Seoyoo's estimated remaining time. It makes Taekwoon sick thinking about it.

On the second week, she stops eating, barely able to even stomach water. It's the first time Taekwoon sees Hakyeon break down into tears. In the kitchen, away from Seoyoo. It hits Taekwoon like a ton of bricks, and he leaves wordlessly. A terrible thing to do, but he can't handle it.

Hakyeon texts him later to apologize for his meltdown, and it amazes Taekwoon. Isn't he even mad, just a teeny bit? Shouldn't Taekwoon be the one apologizing? He does, but Hakyeon tells him it's okay. Taekwoon knows it's not.

 

Taekwoon goes back in the middle of the third week. There's around ten days left, he thinks. He sits in a kitchen chair next to Seoyoo and Hakyeon's shared bed, just watching her. He counts the breaths she takes, and wonders how many she has left. It's a morbid thought. Hakyeon is on the other side, doing the same thing. Just quietly staring.

Seoyoo wakes up sometime in the evening, eyes moving around and taking in her surroundings. Hakyeon asks if there's anything she needs.

"Read me a story," she says, and he nods, going to get a book.

It reminds Taekwoon of the first time he came over to eat dinner, and had refused to read to her. It was also around the time her health really started to fail, the reason why she hadn't ate with them that night. He still feels guilty to this day. 

So when Hakyeon sits back down with a book in hand, Taekwoon holds out his own, asking for it.

Hakyeon looks surprised and a bit confused, but he gives the book over. Taekwoon's fingers are slightly trembling as he opens it, clearing his throat. And he starts to read.

It's not perfect. He stutters a lot, and his voice is a bit low. But he reads it, for both Seoyoo and Hakyeon, who listens intently. Seoyoo actually stays awake through the entire book, her eyes glued to Taekwoon. When he's done, she smiles for the first time in weeks and Hakyeon does too, clapping excitedly. Taekwoon can feel his face turning red.

"Again!" Seoyoo says, but Taekwoon gently says no. One book is more than enough for him for one day. After seeing her disappointed look, he promises to read to her again tomorrow instead. Her face lights up at that.

He doesn't get to.

 

It's midnight. Taekwoon's just got finished with a late night shower, ready to go to bed. His phone vibrates as he's laying down. It's not unusual, Hakyeon texts him at all kinds of hours.

_Please come now. Hurry._

Oh no. It can't be good. Taekwoon stares at the message for a moment, not knowing what to do, what to say. It's something to do with Seoyoo, he knows it. But she was fine earlier after Taekwoon read her the story. They played pat-a-cake and she even ate a little bit of Jell-O. It was looking so good-

The phone vibrates again. He hesitantly reads it, then regrets it.

_She's gone._

 

Seoyoo died peacefully in her sleep, as Hakyeon was in the kitchen making himself something to eat. It was a sandwich that only took five minutes to fix, and by the time he had went back to the bedroom she wasn't breathing. It was a scary thought for Taekwoon, how quickly she went. How fast it takes to be here one second, then gone the next.

Hakyeon had freaked out, calling and shaking her before dialing emergency services, then texting Taekwoon when they told him there was nothing they can do, and that she was gone for good. They now sit in the dark hospital corridor together, Hakyeon staring off into the space as Taekwoon bites at his fingernail, not knowing what to do.

Then Hakyeon erupts into tears suddenly, making Taekwoon jump. He sits there and cries. Taekwoon puts a hand on his back awkwardly. He's such a ty comforter.

When Hakyeon's parents arrives there's more tears, so Taekwoon quietly slips out without them noticing, giving them their privacy. 

 

Hakyeon texts him the funeral details. Taekwoon knows he should go, but he doesn't think he can. He's been to one funeral in his life, and it was terrible. People crying, religious music, the cemetary. It was all too much for Taekwoon. He tries to think of an excuse, but the only thing he can come up with is he doesn't have a suit. Which is true, but he still has dozens of black shirts he can wear instead. He just ignores the text, and every other text Hakyeon sends him. He knows it's not a good thing to do, but he can't help it. 

 

The day of the funeral comes. Taekwoon's phone keeps buzzing and he pretends like he doesn't notice it, going on to the mall. It's a Saturday, a busy day. The train already has a short line of people when Taekwoon arrives a few minutes late. 

He can't help but think about Hakyeon and Seoyoo's funeral. Who will be there? Not many people, he knows. Hakyeon's parents. A few of Seoyoo's classmates maybe, despite her not being able to attend during her last months. What about Seoyoo's mother? Taekwoon wonders if Hakyeon told her, and what her reaction was. Did she really not care about her daughter at all? What kind of mother is that?

Taekwoon eats lunch in a bathroom stall; the food court is overly crowded. It's a cold chicken sandwich that has too much mayonnaise on it, and he throws half of it away. He hasn't had an appetite for a while now.

It's sometime after lunch, when he's coming back in the station from a ride, when he sees Hakyeon. He's standing at the gates, still in his funeral suit. There's tears on his face and he looks... angry, something Taekwoon has never seen before. He immediately starts to shake. He wonders if he can just sit in the train. But no, he has to let the passengers off and he has more waiting in line.

He gets out, letting the people off quickly and avoiding Hakyeon's eyes. He prays he'll just think Taekwoon didn't see him or something, and not confront him here in front of everyone. Please...

"Taekwoon!" Hakyeon calls his name. A few people look around, wondering who this Taekwoon person is, and why a crying man in a suit is calling for him. Taekwoon meekly turns around. All eyes are on him now. He wants to melt into a puddle right there.

Hakyeon goes up to him. He cuts everyone in line, shoving people out the way. Once he's near Taekwoon, he shoves him hard on his shoulder, making the other stumble. A few people gasp, others leave quickly with their children.

"You idiot!" Hakyeon yells, voice shaky. "Why didn't you come? I... I needed you!" 

Taekwoon stands there. Needed him? Why? For what? He blinks repeatedly, looking at everywhere but Hakyeon's face. He can't stand to see him right now like this.

"I hate you!" Hakyeon says, and the words slice through Taekwoon badly. He stumbles back as if he's been pushed again. Hakyeon stands there for a moment, waiting on Taekwoon to say something but he doesn't. He scowls, turning around and leaving the train station. Taekwoon weakly watches as he walks off.

The people in line are shocked and confused, to say the least. A few other shoppers have gathered around too to see what the fuss was about. Taekwoon can't handle it, he's getting too hot with all of these eyes on him. He takes off, back to the bathroom.

He hides there for around thirty minutes until his supervisor finds him, scolding him for leaving the train unattended. Taekwoon doesn't defend himself, instead asking if he can just take the day off. His supervisor agrees, thankfully. It must have been the tears in Taekwoon's eyes that did it for him.

 

Taekwoon doesn't understand why or how he is involved in this. He didn't ask for it. He was a simple man with a simple life, a mall train conductor. How did he get so caught up in the life of a man with a dying daughter? He kind of regrets giving them that free ride that night. He should've said no, and they would continue to live their lives seperately. Then he wouldn't have to go through whatever it is he's going through right now. It's a terrible thought, but isn't everything about him terrible? He lets out a shaky sob.

He's in his bed at home, curled up underneath the covers. He's still cold, but has no desire in getting up to turn some heat on. He'd rather freeze to death.

 

Taekwoon thinks he and Hakyeon are done. Whatever they had, friendship or something, is over. Hakyeon doesn't text him, or visit him at his train. He hates Taekwoon, and Taekwoon doesn't really blame him. He doesn't exactly love himself either. 

He's getting back into old habits again, like picking and peeling at the skin of his palm until it bleeds. It stings and burns badly but he can't stop.

 

It's weeks before Taekwoon sees Hakyeon again. He's sweeping the floor around his train one night, not noticing the other until he looks up and spots him leaning on the gate like he used to do. Taekwoon immediately freezes, unsure of what to do. He remembers their last meeting and how terrible it went.

Hakyeon doesn't look angry like he did that day though. His expression is soft when they make eye contact. "Hey, Mr. Conductor," he says, smiling.

Taekwoon doesn't answer, instead going back to sweeping. Hakyeon doesn't say anything as he does, waiting patiently for him to finish. Taekwoon is hesitant to lock the gates up but the mall will be closing soon. He has no other choice.

"Do you want ice cream?" Hakyeon asks as he's locking. All too familar. Taekwoon shakes his head no this time. Hakyeon looks slightly disappointed.

"Okay," he says. "Will you go to my place? So we can talk?"

Talk? About what? There's really nothing to talk about. Taekwoon blinks at him in response. He'd really rather not, but Hakyeon's eyes are begging him to. He sighs, then shrugs. He guess it won't hurt. Maybe.

 

"I'm sorry," is the first thing Hakyeon says when they're settled at the kitchen table in his house.

It's dark and quiet, and kind of dirtier than Taekwoon remembered it to be. The sink is full of dishes and there's different pieces of clothing littering the floor. Hakyeon had told him to excuse the mess, that he hasn't been up to cleaning for a while. Taekwoon understands.

"I shouldn't have done that," he continues. "I was just really emotional that day. I really don't hate you."

Taekwoon doesn't answer, not sure if he can believe Hakyeon's words. He had sounded so sure that day, and the look in his eyes as he said it was so fierce.

"In fact, it's the opposite," Hakyeon mumbles, looking away.

Taekwoon stares him. Hakyeon waits for him to reply, and sighs when he doesn't.

"Not trying to be rude, but you're really socially inept, aren't you?"

It's not rude, it's the truth, Taekwoon thinks. He nods, the first response he's given to Hakyeon since he's arrived. It's silent for a few minutes, only the sound of the television playing in the background can be heard. Taekwoon thinks it's... Mickey Mouse? It makes him sad.

Hakyeon gets up suddenly, going into his bedroom and leaving Taekwoon alone. He observes his surroundings. There's a Frozen sippy cup on the counter still, a few pictures of Seoyoo when she was younger and a drawing she made pinned up by magnets on the refrigerator. There's even a picture of her when she was just born, in the arms of a pretty looking girl. Her mother, Taekwoon figures. He frowns. 

Hakyeon returns with a few items in hand, one being a piece of paper. "Seoyoo wrote a will," he says, waving it. "Well, her nurse did. She just told her what to write down." He smiles fondly.

Taekwoon can't help but chuckle softly, the first time in a very long time. How does a five year old know what a will is? 

"She left you her Frozen cup," he nods towards the sippy cup on the counter that Taekwoon had been looking at, "which is why I have it sitting out. And her picture she drew at school of your train." Hakyeon then gives Taekwoon a sheet of paper with the drawing on it. Taekwoon gets a good look at it, absorbing every detail. The train is actually really good, very colorful and detailed. There's a stick man with a conductor hat on standing next to it, and Taekwoon guesses it's him. It makes him smile widely.

Hakyeon watches him, tears gathering in his eyes. "She really liked you," he says. "She called you her best friend. She even said she was going to marry you one time." He laughs at that.

Taekwoon is flattered, and at the same time wonders what made him so... special to her. Why would she want to "marry" him? He wishes he can ask her. He sets the drawing down carefully on the table. "Thank you," he says to Hakyeon. And to Seoyoo, if she can hear wherever she's at now. Taekwoon's never believed in Heaven, but the thought of it is nice so he thinks of her there, sitting on a fluffy cloud.

"No, thank _you_ ," Hakyeon replies, wiping at his eyes.

Taekwoon shakes his head, something coming to mind. He chews on his bottom lip for a moment, having a debate with himself. The words are on the tip of his tongue. "A few years ago," he starts, kind of involuntarily. He's surprised at himself and he thinks Hakyeon is too, by the way his eyes widens and he leans in to listen better . "My... boyfriend. He died in a car accident."

Hakyeon gasps, a hand reaching out towards Taekwoon's back. "Oh my. I'm sorry."

Taekwoon nods, deciding to go on. "I, uh, I..." he takes a deep breath. "We were leaving my soccer game. I usually drove but..." he stops again, only continuing when Hakyeon gives him a nod of encouragement. "I made him drive that time. I was too tired from playing." 

He can't do this. It's starting to get hard to breathe, but he closes his eyes tightly, going on. "A truck hit us... the driver side. He died instantly." Taekwoon can remember everything like it was yesterday, can see the images behind his closed eyes. "It's my fault."

Hakyeon is quiet for a moment, so quiet Taekwoon wonders if he's even there. He opens his eyes to check, and sees that he is, staring off into space. He wonders what he's thinking. Maybe he sees how terrible Taekwoon is now.

He says something completely different. "When Seoyoo was in the beginning stages of being sick, I thought nothing of it," he says. "I figured, you know, normal sickness. Then when I took her to the doctor for her annual check up, it turned out to be cancer. Far along into it. For a while, I blamed myself. If I had took her sooner, she'd have a better chance of surviving." Hakyeon looks at Taekwoon. "It took a very long time, but I realized it wasn't my fault. And with the car accident, it's not your fault. Like you once said, stuff happens." Hakyeon chuckles. 

Taekwoon is doubtful. "Really?" he asks.

"Of course," Hakyeon replies. "It's not your fault, and you shouldn't think of it as. But I really do appreciate you sharing that with me. You should tell me more, your voice is quite soothing to listen to."

So Taekwoon tells him more.

He talks about his family, his parents and sisters, and how worried they were after the accident because he isolated himself from everyone, for over two years. How he lost all of his friends, his love for soccer, everything. How he'd cope with self harm, like picking at his skin. He shows Hakyeon his new wounds, which slightly terrifies him. He talks about getting the job as the mall train conductor, and moving into his own apartment because his parents were too much to handle. He talks and talks and talks, and when he's done he's out of breath and his mouth is dry. Sometime in the middle of talking, he and Hakyeon moved from the table to the couch. 

Hakyeon gets him iced water, in the Frozen sippy cup, lid off. Taekwoon drinks it down gratefully.

"Who would think you'd have so much to say?" Hakyeon asks, a hand going over Taekwoon's knee. "You should talk more."

Taekwoon scoffs, and shakes his head. He's done enough talking for his entire lifetime, he thinks. His head is even starting to ache from it.

"Seriously." Hakyeon gives him a gentle smile. "Thank you for telling me everything, I feel honored that you did. I imagine it's not everyday you tell people things likes things like this. One thing though," he scratches the back of his neck, "You're... gay."

Taekwoon feels his face turning red. That's one of the smaller reasons why he hesitated in telling Hakyeon, he didn't know what his stance on the issue is. "Yeah," he mumbles.

"Well," Hakyeon says, and Taekwoon half expects him to call him disgusting or something, "that's good. I don't know what I'd do if it had turned out I've been hitting on a straight man." He laughs, and Taekwoon is confused. 

"But," he says. "Seoyoo. Her mother."

Hakyeon scoffs. "There's a thing called bisexuality, you know. It exists!"

Taekwoon is slightly embarrassed, and apologizes though Hakyeon tells him there's no need. He then offers to go out for a late dinner. His treat. Taekwoon thinks he should decline, but he doesn't. Mostly because he's starving.

 

"What are we?" Hakyeon asks several weeks later. They're in the park, sitting on spread out bedsheet underneath a huge oak tree. It wasn't a picnic or anything, just a simple outing. They did take bread though, and Taekwoon had thrown pieces to the ducks that waddles around.

He gives Hakyeon a questioning look. 

"Like, friends?" Hakyeon elaborates. "Or... more?"

Oh. Taekwoon hasn't really thought about it. He likes Hakyeon, and he guesses Hakyeon likes him. Despite everything. He watches as two ducks fight over a piece of bread he throws, making him smile. "I don't know."

"Hmm," Hakyeon says, taking a slice of the bread and biting into it, laughing at the look Taekwoon gives him. "I think we need each other."

Taekwoon blinks. "We do?"

"I think," Hakyeon continues, "We need... people to love again. A reason to live, I suppose. Not replace the people we loss, of course not. They can never be replaced. But I mean... to fill in that emptiness," he says. "Do you feel it, too? Like you're missing something?"

Taekwoon does. He's felt it for so many years. It went away just a little bit when he met Hakyeon and Seoyoo, though, but it still lingers. It's hard to get rid of.

"So do you want to try?" Hakyeon asks. "I really like you. I do." 

Taekwoon doesn't answer at first, thinking everything over. He's quiet for a very long time.

"I understand if you don't," Hakyeon says after a few minutes of agonizing silence. "I mean-"

"Yes," Taekwoon interrupts him. "I like you, too."

Hakyeon looks surprised, and grins. "Really?"

"Really."

"Okay then," Hakyeon says, and he slides closer to Taekwoon, wrapping an arm around his waist. Taekwoon isn't much for touches, but he doesn't mind. It feels nice.

 

The emptiness doesn't go away over night. Taekwoon finds that nearly everything Hakyeon does reminds him of his old boyfriend, from the good morning texts to the surprise flowers. It stings a bit, but he really does love Hakyeon. He sits the flowers, roses, in a vase on his bedside table.

He can tell Hakyeon is still struggling as well, from the way he stares at Seoyoo's picture in his wallet at times or how he goes to her grave every weekend. It's gonna take a while for them to be whole again, for the emptiness to go away. For the first time in a very long time though, Taekwoon thinks it's all gonna be okay. Just as long as they help each other fight the emptiness. 

They'll be just fine.


End file.
